For Humans In Progress

Are blowjobs vegan? And other hilarious FAQs.

Mum peering over my shoulder as I write this: “Is that a blob you’re writing?”. Yes, mum, welcome to my blob. It’s about blowjobs. She must be so proud.

Disclaimer

This is not one for the youngsters or the prudes. Or the parents really. I’ll see you back here for a slightly less inappropriate topic next time – promise. Oh, and grandad, I know you may have seen the link on Facebook and thought you want to support your only granddaughter in her blogging, but please move your mouse up to the x in the top right corner of your screen, close this window down immediately and never speak of this again. Thanks.

Okay, you naughty lot, where were we? Oh yes, plant based blowjobs. If you’re wondering how I ended up writing this, believe me, so am I. I must have been asked, “Are blowjobs vegan?” at least 30 times, along with A LOT of follow up questions. I’m not sure why I get asked these strange questions but I do, wayyyyy more often than you’d think.

So here I am writing about it because this blog is nothing if not a space to write about the funny old things that occupy my brain. Plus, the internet needed to see this tomato photo and this topic is as good an excuse as any to share it!

After my last (rather more highbrow) post, you’ll know that sometimes vegans can rightfully be a little angry but you may be surprised to know we can also be happy, sad, confused and even horny. We are human after all. You may already think we suck but let’s find out.

So let’s get this out of the way shall we?

Not the sexy introduction you’re after maybe. Anyway, make yourself comfortable. I’ll try to be thorough – in my answering of weird vegan FAQs, that is. Here we go:

1. Can you give a cheeky bj as a vegan?

Yes, feel free to go forth and blow that house down. Vegan steak and BJ day is a definite thing. I’d recommend the plant steaks from Tesco (dad approved – just realised that’s not a phrase I expected to write in this post). I can’t recommend it as an activist tactic but there are certainly no rules against it.

2. Can you uh-hum… swallow?

So I think the theory behind this question is you’re wasting life or eating something alive and that’s not very vegan? But veganism only means to avoid unnecessary suffering and respect consent. Therefore, unless you’re stealing semen from someone or something against their will (unlikely) then it’s all consensual and no harm is being done.

I don’t think it’ll help with that vicious protein deficiency us vegans are famously dying from so I wouldn’t add it into your macros but other than that – if you want to – go for it.

3. Can you eat pussy/beaver? 

For some reason, we seem to have a thing for nicknaming lady bits after animals. These two are equally mortifying to me and I cringed even writing them. But clearly, it’s not an actual animal so again, yes of course you can. To restate, veganism is only about minimising suffering and harm and this should definitely not be something that involves either of those things.

So, unless you’re doing a terrible job, you carry on. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I got it printed on a shirt though, just in case.

4. Are vegans better in bed?

According to Pamela Anderson, yes. According to science, yes. Erectile dysfunction has been repeatedly and undeniably linked to high animal protein, low fiber diets. Must be the asparagus, or the carrots, or the pumpkin… which apparently increases blood flow to the penis by 40%! Combine that with the teeny tiny “zombie school girl” outfits and it’s no wonder halloween is everyone’s favourite fancy dress occasion.

Maybe I should conduct my own research into the this question. If you’ve gone plant based and you think you’ve got better in bed, leave me a comment or drop me an email (pictures and videos welcome). JOKE JOKE JOKE. Oh God, I’m going to receive so many pictures of aubergines and phallic carrots now, aren’t I? I know you vegans.

That concludes business for today

Okay, so not sure how to round this one up. It’s been a weird one and honestly started as a joke but then I started writing and thought I better keep going until it was finished. Innuendos; everywhere. Can’t help myself, sorry.

Anyway, I think we can all rest safe in the knowledge that as long as no *non consensual* harm is being done to man, woman and especially beast in the context of this article, you can make (or practice) making as many little vegans as you like. After all, we are trying to take over the world, right? One blowjob at a time.

Until next time, suck on that folks.

Lots of love,

An embarrassing daughter x



1 thought on “Are blowjobs vegan? And other hilarious FAQs.”

  • This post sucks! Nah, I kid 🙂 That’s my horrible attempt at a fellatio-related joke. Honestly, it made me smile and given me something fun to think about next time I’m discussing veganism.

    Genuinely surprised you’d get asked these questions with a straight face!

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